I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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