DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Soap is not a condiment
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
