1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
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