I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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