Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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