Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
We got so high we made milksteak
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
