Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
