The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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