I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
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