Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Randomize
