so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
