He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
