She's like a pop up book from hell.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize