6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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