Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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