1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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