p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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