woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
