I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
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