its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
