Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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