I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I haven't been this sober since birth.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
