i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Thanksgiving. A stoners favorite holiday
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Never underestimate the power of titties
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