I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
