NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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