looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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