i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The lid of our salsa is promoting a contest that ended in July '09
party gras won. party gras always wins.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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