I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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