i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Randomize
