Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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