Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
