So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize