pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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