Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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