Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
if i died would you start the facebook group?
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
