forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
