I am in a vortex of obligation.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
