i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
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