he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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