please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
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