I ahte it when I peed a little on my shews. I got a litll bit on the automen in your room too.:/
Tracy!! I don't have an ottoman in my room.
Ohhh....do you have a dog shaped liek un automan?
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize