I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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