drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize