This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
