Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
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