at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Randomize
