Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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