I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
