I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
