i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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