At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
