He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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