I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Randomize
