the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
