No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I FOUND THE LEGS
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
