I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
