actually, I'm a sock model
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
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