It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Randomize
