i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
there is puke in my bra ... again
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
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