Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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