Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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